I’ve always found it impossible to listen to Desert Island Discs without allowing myself the idle fantasy that one day the BBC might come knocking at Dr Roberts’ door.

But that idle fantasy was booted well and truly into the long grass this week when to my astonishment and delight I went one better. Marika Footring from Colne Radio got in touch with an invitation to come on, as a guest, to her version of the show.

I had always thought it would be an impossible task to whittle the number of cherished tracks down to just the required six. But when it I sat down to make my list, I could only think of two songs I liked.

After many hours of further serious contemplation and pencil sucking the number to swelled to four.

I thought maybe I was approaching it the wrong way. Let’s start again, I thought. Let’s start with some songs and soundtracks that you definitely don’t want to hear again and work back from there.

So here’s my list of Desert Island Disasters – my nightmare tracks. Songs and sounds I never want to hear again.

1. Anything by Gary Glitter

I actually went to see him once. At Top Rank in Watford. I still have nightmares.

2. If You Leave Me Now - Chicago

This was the backing track with which I tried to persuade my first girlfriend not to dump me. Looking back, I’m absolutely delighted that she did. But every time this song jumps out of the radio I’m taken back to the snivelling, pathetic, grovelling little idiot who pleaded with Karen Taylor for clemency.

3. Weekend World - with Brian Walden - Theme Tune

Once again, it’s not the song. The song itself is actually OK. A track by the prog rock group Mountain. It’s the association. This track will be forever be associated for me with Auntie Eileen’s Sunday dinner. I remember it vividly.

She was always half drunk. Uncle Len was completely drunk. Not that that mattered. They were always kind to me in a completely ignoring me sort of way. I still think of them with affection. It wasn’t them personally. No, it was their liver and bacon.

Steam was bellowing from the kitchen. Pot lids would be rattling as vegetables happily overcooked themselves into squishy tasteless surrender. And eventually it would appear, sodden in and a thick brown coating of what passed for gravy.

Hearing that track still makes me wretch with the memory.

4. My wife’s ringtone

In stark contrast to my own social situation, people seem to like my wife. The phone is constantly alive with friends and family. Morning, noon and night it rings. It could be any tune I guess. But that Nokia ringtone holds a particularly toasty place in hell for me.

5. I’m So Tired – The Beatles (White Album)

I had the most ferocious argument with my brother over the line “And curse Sir Walter Raleigh…” which I swore blind was “And curse these walls around me”. It was a nasty, bitter, heated row about something very petty. Brothers growing up eh? Only we were 37. I lost. Don’t ever play me that song again.

6. Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds – William Shatner

This is just a colossally bad record. It’s truly dreadful. Capt Kirk should be at the bridge of the USS Enterprise. Or beaming down to a distant planet. In fact he should be anywhere other than in the studio recording this.

If you’re curious about what my top six is, as opposed to my bottom six will be, then tune in to Marika Footring on the magnifcent Colne Radio (106.6FM and on line at www.colneradio.com) on Sunday, October 4 from 2- 3pm. With any luck I’ll have decided what they are by then.