The dreaded icebreaker.

Those of you who have had reason to attend a professional networking event will know exactly what I mean immediately.

For those of you who have not, then when I tell you I would sooner have acid poured into my eyes than sit through the enforced jollity the dreaded icebreaker, this might give you an impression of the experience.

The icebreaker comes in many different guises. It is intended to establish familiarity and relaxation.

I’ve thrown beanbags across the room to remember people’s names, I’ve described myself as a type of fish, I’ve disappeared into the woods armed only with a wolf cry to reassemble with, I’ve been blindfolded and led round the room by my fingertips, I’ve drawn pictures, mimed my profession, pretended I was a snail, played the bongos, exchanged identities (briefly), and worn silly hats.

Pretty much everything apart from a game of kiss chase.

All of them excruciating, toe curling embarrassment from beginning to end. The antithesis of Englishness.

Only once can I remember enjoying it. An occasion where we had to introduce ourselves, and then the actor who we thought might best portray us in a bio pic of our lives. Arthur Lowe for me. Obviously.

So I was prepared. I can’t say I wasn’t prepared. Or at least I thought I was.

On this occasion, we were invited to write down a secret, something people wouldn’t know about us on pieces of paper. These pieces of paper were then folded up and mixed into a bowl, to be drawn out one by one and read aloud.

The icebreaker game was for the group to guess whose secret it was that was revealed. So far so good gentle reader.

I scrawl down my default secret for these occasions - the innocuous and uninteresting story of a night in the cells way back when - and sit back. The bowl of secrets is passed to me for the first reveal.

I take out the first folded paper, I unfold the folded paper and I read aloud

“I have had the letter W tattooed onto both of my bottom cheeks. This is so that should someone part these cheeks and reveal my bottom it will spell the word WOW”.

The game ends immediately.

Whilst I am dumbstruck with embarrassment there is, deep within me, a sneaking admiration for a tactic that will bring the dreaded icebreaker to an end so abruptly.