KEEP this secret. Do NOT divulge what I am about to tell you.

Whilst writing this I am continuously looking over my shoulder. So keep schtum.

There’s a new kitchen in town.

The menu is highly specialised. So specialised in fact that to partake of their delights you can grasp the opportunity only four times each month.

Grab a pencil and write this down. I’m only going to tell you once. If too many people turn up I’m stuffed you see. Right, got that pencil?

Write this down, they are open the first and third Wednesdays (that’s the first and third Wednesdays) of each month between 6.30pm and 8.30pm. (That’s 6.30pm and 8.30pm).

The other time they open their doors is the first and third Saturday of each month (that’s the first and third Saturday of each month) between 1pm and 4pm. Got it? They live at 15 Queen Street.

Good. Now look at the paper and read that back to me. Memorise the data. Now eat the paper. Destroy all evidence and deny all knowledge of it. This secret must be kept secret.

Should the delights of the kitchen spill out into the wider world we’ll never get in again.

The master chefs are one Michael Polom and one Phin Wenlock. Now admittedly, their way of operating is slightly different from your usual kitchen. But that’s the magic of it.

What they do is on arrival they take a look over you, recommend what you need, give you ingredients and then let you do the cooking. You’d think that’s a non-starter for a kitchen wouldn’t you? But think again my friend, think again.

Their knowledge and their ingredients are so specialised there is simply nowhere else in town that comes close.

I was there this week.

For starters I had inner tube. A coquettish little hors d'oeuvre, served with the implement to winkle it out of its natural habitat within the outer tyre.

For my mains I had a sparkly new bike chain, cooked to perfection and tested with the chain tension tool before serving (50 degrees or below is essential) then doused with lashings of chain lubricant.

I finished off with a personal favourite of mine which I was delighted to see chalked up on the specials board that day - a replacement gear derailer.

I made the standard £5.00 donation and left.

I cycled home a happy man.

Colchester Bike Kitchen - a community resource providing tools and expert help in bike repair and maintenance.

Open first and third Wednesdays (6.30 - 8.30pm) and Saturdays of each month (1pm - 4pm).

15 Queen Street

No booking required.