WHEN Vicky Pavitt gave birth to her fourth baby she had no reason to suspect it would be any different to her previous experiences.

But within a day of bringing little James home from hospital she began to have terrifying visions of him being injured and even dying.

They were so realistic she ended up being scared to even leave the house.

“They weren’t just my imagination running away with me. They were like watching a video or looking at a photograph, they were so vivid,” says Vicky, 39.

The experience was so harrowing Vicky, who lives with her family in Colchester, did not dare voice her feelings for fear of having her children taken from her.

She says she would constantly Google her symptoms in the hope of finding out what was happening to her with no luck.

“I knew it was not post natal depression because the symptoms just did not fit.

“And it sounded like anxiety but I had never suffered from anything like that before and I thought it had to have something to do with having just had a baby,” she says.

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Eight years later, and fully recovered, Vicky is passionate about getting more awareness for what she now knows is postpartum psychosis.

Rarer than post-natal depression, postpartum psychosis is much more severe and is believed to be triggered by a sudden drop in hormones after birth.

It can lead to manic behaviour, confusion, and hallucinations and because there is a risk mothers could harm themselves or their babies, it is classed as a psychiatric emergency by the NHS.

And it is now getting the public recognition it deserves thanks to a major storyline featuring new mum Stacey Branning in the BBC soap EastEnders.

And Vicky’s story has partially influenced producers who found her blogs on-line when researching the subject.

Vicky stresses in her own case she never imagined she would hurt James but something bad would happen to him.

“I could not bear anyone to hold him other than me, in case he got dropped or accidentally hurt and I was constantly cleaning in case he picked up any germs.

“I would stand at the top of the stairs and suddenly see him lying at the bottom, broken and bleeding, and I would have to just sit down and cuddle him.

“In the end I would slide down each step on my bottom as I felt that was safer,” explains Vicky who is also mum to Chloe, 17, Katie, 12 and ten-year-old Ruby.

Looking back Vicky says she can see perhaps there were indications before James was even born she was suffering from heightened anxiety.

“I was much more worried about whether he was moving around enough and I would poke my tummy to get him to move.

“I was constantly asking the midwives if he was OK and they kept reassuring me he was fine and developing well.”

After a quick and easy labour Vicky and husband Simon, took James home but signs something was not right began to show almost immediately.

“The next day when I went to carry him downstairs I had those first images of him falling through the air and ended up at the bottom.

“I carried on as best I could but the anxieties got worse and worse.

“As well as the images I was suffering extreme night terrors and I lived in constant fear of something bad happening.

“If I was giving James a bath I saw him slipping under the water and drowning and I couldn’t watch anything on the television because I would straight away think anything bad was going to happen to me.”

The illness began to take a toll on Vicky physically and she was virtually housebound.

“My heart was constantly racing and my blood pressure was through the roof.

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“My mouth was constantly dry and I could barely keep any food down so I lost weight, going from a size 14 to an 8 within just a few months.

“But I didn’t think it could be post natal depression because the symptoms did not match.”

Vicky ended up sleeping next to James’ cot for fear he would not wake and would have visions of his lifeless body and coffin.

“Now I cannot even summon the image, it is not something I can ever imagine, but at the time it was just so vivid. Like a photograph.”

By the time James was six months old Vicky says she had begun to think she was “going mad.”

“It is quite easy to mask how you are truly feeling for half an hour at a time and so that is what I did at the post-natal visits because I was scared if I spoke up they would take James away from me.

“But I was constantly trembling and having panic attacks and so I got an emergency appointment with my GP,” explains Vicky.

She was immediately prescribed a mixture of medication which included beta blockers, sleeping tablets and anti-depressants.

Vicky was looked after with James 24 hours a day at her parents Vivienne and Gordon’s home to avoid having to go into hospital.

“It did not happen overnight, they even had to increase the dosage of pills, but eventually I began to feel more like myself again and the images began to fade and I started to feel happy again.”

Despite having not been on any medication since James was 18 months old, the experience will never leave Vicky.

“I lost the first year of his life and I don’t think I will ever really know why I suddenly got this having had three children with no problems at all.

“The doctors do not really have an explanation because I did not have any history of mental health problems, or bipolar disorder.

“They think that perhaps it might be because I had three children very close together and maybe because it was a boy this time,” says Vicky, a special needs teacher.

Determined to make sure other mothers do not suffer in silence, Vicky has shared her story on-line and spoken out publicly about her experience.

“That’s why I am really chuffed they have used some of my story for the EastEnder’s storyline.

“Obviously there are lots of differences because she does have a history of bi-polar disorder, but not being able to put her baby down, constant cleaning and fearing something bad will happen to him are all things I went through,” adds Vicky.

Her story was featured in Mother & Baby magazine and they were awarded its Family of the Year Award in 2011.

“They nominated us because of the huge support my mum, dad and Simon gave me.

“This sort of thing does put huge amount of pressure on a relationship but he was absolutely amazing and so supportive.”

VIcky says it is crucial more is written and discussed about the illness.

“There are mums who have taken their own lives because they could not bear to carry on with the feelings they were having and were too afraid to speak out about it.

“I would urge them to tell someone, their health visitor or go and see their GP because there is help out there.

“I also think they should put together an information pamphlet with an explanation of what a new mum should do if they suffer any of those symptoms that could be postpartum psychosis and it should be handed out on wards before they take their babies home.”

POST-NATAL PSYCHOSIS POST-NATAL psychosis usually starts within the first two weeks of birth.

It often occurs out of the blue but women with a history of bipolar disorder or a family history of mental illness are at a higher risk.

About half of women with it will have another episode after the birth of another baby.

The most severe symptoms, which can include feeling manic, anxiety, being tearful, racing thought and insomnia, paranoia and delusions, last from two to 12 weeks, although it can take up to a year to completely get better.

It is mostly treated with medication and some women will need hospitalisation but with the right care, most women will go on to fully recover.